Hey there Zoe Appleseed!

So…I’m a guest Blogger today on the Lawrence’s site. I’m Courtney’s friend Shelley. Courtney called me with a story she somehow thought I could tell better than her. She may regret that decision.

My friend Courtney is a lot like me – yes, gorgeous…yes, intelligent…yes, witty…yes, anal…yes, paranoid…

Ok – not all of those are positive characteristics, but the gorgeousness, intelligence and wittiness definitely make up for any faults others may find in us (and those who may find fault in us may find themselves in a bad situation if you know what I mean – wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Anyway, Courtney called me today to tell me a lovely story about her angel, Zoe. I know for a fact this child is an angel. I have seen her halo and wings. Angel Zoe apparently went on some sort of fancy Hollywood Diva apple diet recently. I commend her for her commitment to her health and keeping that girlish figure, but the outcome (pardon the pun) may not be exactly what she was planning. Let’s just say nobody is going to be inviting her to an Oscar event after this story is on the internet.

So Miss Zoe devoured a whole orchard of apples – literally. I’m talking the whole freakin’ orchard. Apples made every way possible – applesauce, whole apples, apple tar-tar, apple turnover, apple cobbler, apple kabob (I may have taken some literary liberties with this story). The girl had herself some apples.

Not sure if you are aware of this or not, but apples are nature’s little body flushers. Hmmm…something to consider the next time Courtney & Mark decide to feed this child a carton of apples.

Well, yesterday evening (I think) Courtney was talking on the phone with a work colleague while Zoe was sitting in her booster seat eating. Courtney noticed Zoe reaching into her lap for something. Then Courtney noticed Zoe had a little something on her face. Thought it might be peas. Nope – not peas. Yep – those apples Miss Zoe ate earlier? They were ALL making a quick exit out of Miss Zoe’s body. And I’m not talking about a nice couple pieces of luggage with bows on top of them. I’m talking log flume exit!

Needless to say, Courtney – the Superhero Mother that she is – jumped into action. She whisked Zoe out of the booster seat (but not before Zoe could put a big footprint right into the mess) knowing she would have to get her cleaned up quickly. Then she realized Zoe could have very possible eaten some of her own – well, how do I put this delicately…nope…can’t be done – poop! In the process of Courtney freaking out over whatever sort of freakish disease Zoe will get from her own poop, Zoe’s poop ended up on a variety of Lawrence household items, including the wall. I have no doubt the Lysol Company is going “cha-ching” over the amount of sanitizer that has now been purchased by the Lawrence family.

Being the paranoid Mom she is (just like me), Courtney called the pediatrician immediately to make sure Zoe was not going to become some sort of mutant “Poop Hero” over eating her own poop. I mean – shoot – dogs do it all the time right (I literally said that in my head as she was telling me the story and then she said it right after I thought it – hysterical). After the pediatrician stopped belly laughing in the phone she told Courtney all was fine.

So – the moral of this story boys & girls? An apple a day might keep the doctor away, but a whole carton of apples given to a 1 year old will put you knee deep in ----BEEP----!